Thursday, July 31, 2008

JOKES!!!

the house jokes

How about a really bad one...

After volunteering to fight for his country in WW II, Zimmerman joined his unit and lined up for his uniform.
As equipment was issued in strict alphabetical order Zimmerman found himself at the back of the queue.
By the time he reached the desk all the uniforms had been issued.
There were none left.
Zimmerman was issued with a badge that said "soldier" in red letters."You didn't want a scratchy old uniform anyway," the quartermaster said.
"Join the line for your rifle." Zimmerman joined the back of the rifle queue.
When he reached the front Zimmerman found that all the rifles had been distributed and then, once again, there were none left.
"You don't want to kill people anyway," said the quartermaster.
"I'll issue you with a stick and you can shout Bang Bang!"
"Thank you," said Zimmerman, and joined the queue for bayonets.
Once again, on reaching the desk Zimmerman was disappointed.
The quartermaster issued him with a lollipop stick with the advice that he should shout: "Sticky-sticky!" when using it.
Within weeks Zimmerman found himself on the front lines shouting
"Bang-bang!" for all he was worth.
On his second day the German enemy began a mass advance.
One by one Zimmerman's unit were killed or wounded until only Zimmerman himself remained standing. "Bang-bang!" he shouted, and was amazed to see his German foes still falling. Soon they began to overwhelm his trench and Zimmerman began to stab wildly with his lollipop stick.
"Sticky-sticky! Sticky-sticky!" And astoundingly it worked. The enemy were dying at his feet. The survivors began to retreat. All, that is, with the exception of one man who was only half way across no-man's land and was still advancing slowly.
Zimmerman took careful aim with his stick-rifle and calmly said; "Bang-Bang."
The enemy soldier continued his advance.
"Bang-bang! bang-bang! bangedy-bang-bang-bang!" Zimmerman yelled frantically. Still he came. Before he could reach the trench Zimmerman leapt up and ran at him with the lollipop stick. "Sticky-sticky!" he shouted.
And then added "Stab-stab-stab!" for good measure.
The enemy soldier refused to die and stared at Zimmerman defiantly.
By now Zimmerman had had enough. "Wait a minute," he said. "When I shouted 'Bang' your comrades died, but not you.
When I engaged them in hand-to-hand combat with my lollipop stick they fell over dead, but not you. Why?"
"I'm a tank, " replied Herr Zanker.

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At a bar, a drunk says to girl, "Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink." "Why?"
"You’re so fucking ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you."

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A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse.
He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
When he gets his beer, he starts eyeing this beautiful lady in the corner.
Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off. Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!"
So, the bartender brings him another beer.
Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him.
Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!"
He gets another beer and guards it with his life.
The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer. Now the man is thoroughly pissed.
He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?"
The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."
The man walks over to the piano player and says,
"Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"
To this the piano player replies,
"No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll fake it."
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A very successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Sat- urday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is.
So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his left and sees a big guy come in.
The guy pulls out his dick and it's huge.
The guy goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two.
He then goes over to the sink, swings it and smashes the sink in two.
He then goes over to the toilet doors and smashes it in half.
He says to the first man, "I'm gonna stick this up your ass!"
The guy goes, "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it."
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One day a fag was jogging through the park.
There was a wino passed out on the park bench, so the jogger decided, "Ah, what the hell", went over, dropped the wino's pants, gave it to him up the ass, then took $10.00 and put it in the wino's pocket.
When the wino awoke he reached in his pocket found the $10.00 and went straight to the liquor store, and asked the clerk for his most expensive bottle of wine.
Next day the fag was jogging through park and again the same old wino is all passed out on the park bench. So the fag drops the wino's pants, does him up the ass again, then puts another $10.00 in the wino's pocket.
The wino wakes up, finds another $10.00 and heads straight to the liquor store, and tells the clerk, "I want your best bottle of wine."
Come the 3rd day, the faggot is jogging through the park sees the same old wino passed out. So he drops the wino's pants and gives it to him up the ass yet again, but when he goes to get $10.00 out of his pocket, he finds out he only has a $20.00.
So he gives the wino the $20.00.
The wino wakes up, finds the $20.00, goes right to the liquor store, and tells the clerk that he wants the cheapest bottle of wine.
The clerk says, "Wait a minute. Two days in a row you come in here with $10.00, and want my most expensive bottle of wine.
Today, you have $20.00 and want the cheapest. What gives?" The wino replies, "Yeah, well, that expensive stuff is making my ass burn."
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something to watch out for while on the road today... Body: While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
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A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost." "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."
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list.1
rednex cant drive, rules of THEIR road i guesss
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. * When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
* Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
* Do not remove the Marlboro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss off.
* Put Brush Guards on all our vehicles
* When taking shortcut off road, be careful as not to hit anyone who might be walking.
* You must have big tires on all vehicles (even cars).
* A Jack Daniels bottle is not a gear shift.
* When you get stopped and the officer says he is going to write you a ticket don't tell him, "No thanks, I won't be staying for the drawing."
* When you get gas tell the worker to twist the rag three times because if he doesn't the service light will come on.
* Cattle horns on the hood of your vehicle look like gunsights when possums are crossing the road.
* The race car is not street legal even if you do have a license.
* Never tell your wife that duct tape will fix the fan belt of her car.
* Don't try to race the hearse in a funeral.
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star wars joke.1 * The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love * 12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!" 11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must." 10. "Feel the force!" 9. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things." 8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!" 7. "Do me or do me not - there is no try." 6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!" 5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass." 4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does." 3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?" 2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!" 1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"
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There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every part of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his balls red with some spray paint. Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors to get out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging there. "What are these?" he asks. "Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this afternoon," she answers. He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh." He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try again. So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH." He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them. So he stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them together. At that moment the guys sticks his head out of the closet and screams, "DING DONG, MOTHERFUCKER! DING DONG!"
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On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by her family, when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said "My God. That was even tighter." "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
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A fellow walked into his doctor's office complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor. Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed it up the patient's ass. "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head. The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next... Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie. After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer." "Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor. On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed. Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's ass. "Hey, where's my cookie?" **WHAM!!!!
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
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A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"
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54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...Dear Wife,I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the GrandHotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...Dear Husband,I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at theBreakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18 !!

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Great Quotes

"Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work; I merely inflict myself on the public."
- the late English character actor, Robert Morsely

Indiana Jones: "I'm going after that truck." Sallah: "How?" Indiana Jones: "I don't know - I'm making this up as I go."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." --Mel Brooks

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." -- WC Fields

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-- Mario Andretti

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
-- Paul Newman

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
-- Peter O'Toole.

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." -- Henry Ford

“When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life ,She said, "if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."-Lewis Black

lists and notes

Movies or T.V. Series, I'd like made before I Die:

-"Planetary" based on the comic book by Warren Ellis
-"Top Ten"
-A worthy sequel to "The Thing",and
Kurt Russell has to be in it
-"100 Bullets"
-"Stray Bullets", and it has to be filmed in Baltimore.Period.
-"Liberty Meadows", rated R, and filmed like "Garfield"
-"The Avengers"
-An "Uncanny X-men" television series instead of some overblown film, done ala "Smallville"
-A "Star Wars" television series that explores not only stories about other characters inbetween the film series and history of the series but also the "What if's" as well.
-"Justice League"
-"Star Wars" 7,8,9 and maybe 10,11,12....
-HellBlazer movie or tv series,preferbly with an English Actor
-"Man on Fire" sequel.. Do you hear me Tony Scott!!! It was Denzel's best movie dammit!

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this is PLANETARY!!